It sounds kinda weird, especially coming from a fourth-year college student. Even if you ask, the goal of those in college right now, is to finish their undergraduate thesis, graduate, and finally get out of the university. I wish for the same things too, but now that I am closer to achieving them, everything feels heavy and all I think of is to be stuck in college and repeat the same routine.
Going to the same favorite spots on campus with friends, the feeling of having a newfound family with orgmates, unlimited chikahan, and never-ending kulitan with college buddies—some of the many factors why I survived and am now in my last semester in college. These moments will be missed, but if there is a main reason why I still want to stay where I am right now, it is the fear of post-graduation.
Graduates will be greeted with “Welcome to the real world”, and then questions like “Am I capable enough?” and self-doubt will rise mostly as I start seeking employment. I heard and read about the experiences and testimonies of some ates and kuyas who struggled as they faced the ‘real world’ after graduation. A lot of things happened that even made them question their worth.
The same way I overthink my future—“What if I end up being rejected” or worse, keep being rejected? Do I still deserve my school achievements?
The thought that my family, friends, and some people look forward to my career journey makes it bittersweet. All I think of is, I do not want to fail them, especially my parents. All this overthinking and anxiousness makes me want time to slow down sometimes.
On the contrary, what I am sure of is that I want the bachelor’s degree program that I am in right now (Bachelor of Arts in Journalism) and I know the kind of job I want to have—anything that is in line with that field. I even fantasize about being a writer or a reporter during my senior high school and early college years.
Now, as I got closer to finishing my degree, I became more aware of the possibilities that it may or may not happen—or maybe, not right away. Translating my course to a graduate job is not a piece of cake, but I am in no way turning away from my dreams. I will take the hard road if I need to, while also trying not to be too hard on myself.
Future and uncertainty when combined are really scary. All these things make me want to stay in the present. But fret not, this desire is not forever. Post-grad and adulting may be terrible, but what’s scarier is being stuck in the same routine and not being able to move forward. Let me feel what I want to feel in the present. I want to be stuck, but not forever.